What was on TV? Thurs, March 31, 2005

20 years ago, an independent commission made it official: there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And the Bush administration lied about it. Let's see what was on TV.

8:00 Survivor on CBS

10x07 "The Great White Shark Hunter"

Six episodes into the season, it was obvious to everyone that Koror ruled and Ulong drooled. But this episode still hammers that point all the way home. Ulong talks a big game about how they've bonded through their adversity. But they just putter awkwardly around the beach, never making decisions. Meanwhile, over at Koror, everyone is feasting on the shark that Tom killed. Everyone recognizes that Tom is a threat, but they still can't help but smile as they feast on the fruits of his badassery.

We already got the point, but then they show us Koror celebrating the tiny fish they caught. Tragic. Hilarious. You'd think it would get old watching Koror lose. But they're down to two tribe members, and it's still great TV.

9:00 Carnivale (recorded)

2x12 "New Canaan, CA"

This was sadly the end of the road for Carnivale. But hear me out: I think it's time for a reboot. I see Carnivale everywhere in pop culture right now. Sinners is so Carnivale-coded, from the themes to the setting to the aesthetic. Weapons is a stealth Carnivale reunion, and it also shares some thematic concerns with the series. And the themes of Carnivale couldn't be more timely: the rise of fascism, the perils of technology and mass media, the nature of evil, sexual freedom, polyamory, a focus on disability. I fear Carnivale was 20 years too early. But that's something to take pride in. I hope everyone who made this show does take pride in that.

Later Desperate Housewives (recorded)

1x16 "The Ladies Who Lunch"

Lynette was always supposed to be the normal one. The one who had relatable problems but dealt with them by yelling at the annoying moms instead of biting her tongue. In this episode, a mom blamed the school lice epidemic on her kids so that people will still come to her son's birthday party. Lynette passive agressively buys bongo drums and confronts the woman in the bouncy house. It's good, and Felicity Huffman is always good in this role.

But I just cannot see Huffman as the relatable everymom anymore. Not when she's now most famous for bribing people to get her daughter into college and getting arrested for her trouble. That actually does sound like a Desperate Housewives storyline, but maybe a Bree or a Gabby storyline. Not a Lynette storyline. It's just not relatable and scrappy enough, and Lynette was always the relatable and scrappy one.

Even later The Starlet (recorded)

Episode 4

The aspiring starlets on The Starlet have been very nice and supportive of each other. This is obviously a problem for any reality show, especially an America's Next Top Model clone. So the producers bring in an acting teacher who tells them to "access their anger" and stop being nice. Contestant Katie gets the message, and vows that she's not here to make friends and says some mean stuff to people. But the other girls are having none of it. They're happy to support each other and they just ice Katie out. And you can't be a reality show villain all by yourself, you need someone to fight. So Katie just gives a lot of frustrated and defensive talking heads, and even talks to herself in the mirror.

I don't think that Katie even wanted to be the villain. I think she recognized what the producers wanted and tried to make them happy. The other girls rejected the implicit message, and in doing so, proved that they weren't willing to dance to their tune. Hollywood judges young women as much by their willingness to make powerful people happy as it does by their talent or work ethic. So I'm happy that so many of these women rejected that, even if it probably doomed the show.

What Else Was On

Desperate Housewives fever was so real you guys. Someone sold a walk-on role on Wisteria Lane for $8,700 on eBay (ABC sued for copyright infringement). And tonight's episode of the John Stamos sitcom Jake in Progress was called "Desperate Houseguy." Everyone wanted a piece of this thing.

Late Night

Conan continues to roast his employer. There's also a good Katie Couric joke in the stamps segment.

TiVo Status

A Frontline documentary and the TV movies Sucker Free City, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and Ladies Night, the miniseries Fingersmith, two episodes each of American Dreams, and one episode each of The West Wing and The Starlet. 13 hours total.

TV criticism, 20 years ago

Liza Schwarzbaum reviewed The Starlet in Entertainment Weekly.

Oooh, the show is deep in its shallowness, this Splenda-frosted Twinkie. And it's profound in its unintended satire: The 10 ambitious bonbons living on their own Hollywood desert island with reward challenges of ''coaching sessions'' and immunity challenges of ''screen tests'' are apparently the last innocents in America not to know that the very term "starlet" denotes a presence, a perfume, a whatever-it-takes will to be famous...that has little to do with acting chops....None of which explains the presence of Miss Faye Dunaway, who has always been a star, my friend, never a starlet, and whose participation has become a must-see reality show in itself. ''This is not the Paris Hilton School of Acting,'' she admonishes sternly; other career guidance is delivered while peering over handsome reading glasses artfully used to express emotion in contrast with her sphinxlike visage.